Top Stories
Al Gore Claims He Invented "The Happy Ending."
Ballston, VA (BNSE): Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon.
Gore raised eyebrows by dismissing the claims that he sexually assaulted at hotel masseuse as "a baseless, politically motivated attack to mischaracterize my ongoing efforts to advance my pioneering work in developing 'the happy ending' concept in the personal massage industry."
The "Happy Ending;" a slang term of allegedly widespread practice of disreputable personal massage therapists offering sexual gratification to clients for an additional fee after performing massage services, has been condemned by law enforcement officials as a form of prostitution. Vice President Gore, however, sees the Happy Ending as a desperately needed "value added" service to spur job growth in the troubled economy and provide needed stress relief in today's hectic lifestyle. "Ever since my days decades ago when I layed the foundations that would become the Internet, and humped mounds upon mounds of data to discover the causes of global warming, I have worked tirelessly to bring the happy ending out of the closest and plunge it deeply into the mainstream of American culture. To claim that my ongoing research and promotion of this progressive idea is somehow a form of sexual harassment, or even assault, is as unethical as it is preposterous, and I deny it categorically."
When questioned about allegations of the masseuse claiming to have physical proof of the Vice President's actions in the form of "bodily fluids" belonging to Gore on her pants, Gore described them as "baseless." "Ha," mocked the Vice President. "You want to take a guess about how much of my bodily fluids you could find on the pant legs of the Nobel or Oscar nomination committees? There are at least 10 MSNBC anchors I have to beat off with a stick or I wouldn't have any fluids left. The presence of my fluids on her pants means nothing more than she was a willing participant in my valuable research. And, as I recall, the additional twenty I left on the nightstand proves it."
Gore closed his remarks lamenting the toll these accusations have taken on his personal life, particularly as it relates to the recent separation between himself and wife, Tipper. "Not only have the unfair accusations injected a high level of stress into an already difficult personal situation. Before our separation, these lies brought my happy ending research almost to a complete standstill as I worked to save my marriage. Out of desperation I even abandoned my public study and scaled back my investigations to mere moments when I was alone in the bathroom. But even then, Tipper would some pounding on the door demanding to know if I was researching again. After so many interrupted sessions, I would become frustrated and shout, 'Of course I'm researching you crazy bitch, what do you think I'm going? Jerking off?' Things just went downhill from there, and I look forward to our making amends once my innocence is proved."
Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take "War on Leather" to Motorcycle Gang Rally.
Johnstown, PA (BNSE): Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.
"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."
The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"
"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and not left me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.
"That's preposterous," said on high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."
When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.
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Top 2010 Investment Tips.
New York, NY (BNSE): Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes "substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011."
In the panel's report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure.
"We wanted to show in a very realistic sense which market segments are primed for growth despite current economic conditions," said one member of the panel. "Even in the toughest economic times, there are areas of prosperity. Sometimes, it is just a matter of thinking outside the box and exploring what the economy will look like in 2011 and 2012, rather than 2008. Our predictions based on the most conservative estimates of what the real economy for the next few years, if not decades, will look like. These are not pie in the sky projections, but the most realistic estimates of what the new 21st Century economy will look like, and how investors everywhere can take advantage of these new trends."
Among the panels recommendations were:
1. Human Meat Commodities: Cannibalism is the wave of the future as food prices continue to climb and mounting government debts limit food stamp and food relief programs. According to the report, "Initially investors will be hesitant to accept cannibalism. However, as economic conditions continue along their current trends, more and more people will embrace this valuable and inexpensive food source. As the average consumer's comfort level grows with this new cuisine, new market opportunities will emerge as enthusiasts begin to expand their culinary horizons beyond wildly attacking grandma on the kitchen floor. Some segments primed to growth are cannibalism oriented cook books and multimedia, restaurant chains, and even the medical field as hospitals convert over to sausage production."
2. The Cardboard Housing Sector: Cardboard boxes will become the trendy condos of the new millennium, states the report. "Already, cardboard manufacturers are seeing a sharp spike in sales due to thousands of Americans exploring biodegradable living. As this market most certainly grows, traditional building companies will quickly seize the opportunity to offer the consumer more rigid, portable, cardboard boxes to live in that do not smell like dirty feet. Eventually, associated markets will also experience growth from this trend as consumers expand their dwellings to multiple box encampments under bridges, abandoned manufacturing pants, and any secluded area near a river. Glass jar companies will be pressed to production capacity as the demand for lavatories skyrockets."
3. Two Guys in a Blue Van Retail Sector: A mainstay of the non-traditional economy; out of trunk, parking lot, and bar room direct sales retailers will rival their brick and mortar competitors as cost conscious consumers seek to further stretch their disposable incomes. Market segments showing the most potential for expansion are car radios with torn wires, all varieties of leather coat apparel, and firearms.
4. Domestic Violence Personal Services: Lifestyle adaptations to new economic realities will spur an upsurge in various personal training and advising services for the style conscious consumer who wishes to fully embrace their new social status. "Already, several new start ups are looking to offers high potential IPOs in the next six months. 'Don't Make Me Show You the Back of My Hand, Bitch, and Associates,' 'I'm Tired of Your F**king Lip, International,' and "I Want to Drink All Day Because I Like It, et al,' are the early leaders in this field."
5. Dumpster Mining Futures: Unique as the lone standout in an otherwise lackluster American manufacturing sector, dumpster mining will continue to grow exponentially for the foreseeable future. "As this market continues to develop and mature, investors can expect a rapid influx of venture capital and an increased acceptability tolerance for trading in dented cans on the major indices. While this segment is somewhat exposed to the higher risks associated with commodities trading, statistics show that dumpsters completely full of paper are rare, and one out of every three trash containers exploited exceed expectations in terms of leveraged yields due to finds not having crap all over them and high numbers of barely eaten pizzas."
Patronization Conference Attended By More Than Would Interest You.
Princeton, NJ (BNSE): Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation's most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual "Patronization Expo," held just off the campus of scenic Princeton University. The Expo, billed by organizers as, "A free flowing exchange of complex ideas that do not concern you," began amid controversy as a delegation of sociologists representing the University of California at Berkley had its credentials rejected on grounds they were merely "pretentious," and not actually "patronizing."
In an exclusive interview, the chief organizer for the event expressed his thanks for the media's interest in his event, "That is so special you are reporting on what we do here this week. Thank you so much for your time. I imagine your readers will really enjoy reading about our little soiree here, especially after tiring themselves our surfing all that pornography on the Internet. Did you know 'soiree' is a French word? That's a language they use in a place called Europe. It's very far away. Here, give me your note pad and let me help you spell it... This is called 'cursive writing.'"
Expo attendees were, for the most part, "far too busy" with "very important issues you cannot understand," to comment on the Expo's agenda, however, were more than happy to give this reporter directions to the kitchen, coat room, and "closet where they keep the vacuums." One attendee invited this reporter to enjoy the Expo's hors d'oeuvres selection and sample "food that is not handed to you through a car window."
The few scant details of the Expo's events included a round table discussion titled, "Everybody is Ignorant but Us," several lectures on the finer points of using hand gestures and fingers to form quotation marks during causal conversation, and a multimedia presentation exploring the current anti-bank, big business and government trend sweeping the nation titled, "Aren't They Cute?"
Despite a large turnout, the Expo is not without its critics. A prominent professor emeritus from a renowned Ivy League university and current consultant to several major Wall Street financial firms warned the need for such an expo was indicative a decline in American higher education. "Patronization is in the blood, not the mind," explained the professor. "If you have to think about it, then you need to realize that you're probably not in the right place and go back to watching pro wrestling or something.
"I learned my patronization from my gran' papa, just like it is intended. I can still remember sitting on his yacht at the age of three and his telling me, 'Trevor, facts are facts, figures are figures, all for the rich man, none for the... needy.
"Do you know what a grandfather is? He's a male who is related to you who tells you things. Just like your father just older... Do you know your father? He's the nice man who gave your mommy money for a six pack and a little baby in the back seat of a Vega many years ago. And, that little baby was you!"
The Expo organizer took polite exception at the objections of the scope and content of the event, "You know, perhaps we would both be happier if you would leave the Expo planning to me, and I'll leave the doubling up on my next bet at the local cock fight to you. Sound like a deal? Thanks."
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Minor Injuries in Pancake House Explosion!
Muslim Saw Image of Muhammad in French Toast Special.
According to witnesses, a Middle Eastern man became irate after receiving his breakfast order, shouting the restraunt, "Isulted the Prophet," by cooking his image into his french toast. He then began madly throwing double blueberry pancakes as he left the store, only to return a short time latter with a backpack, evidently containing a small, improvised explosive device, which he then detonated.
Prominent Islamic advocacy groups were quick to condemn the pancake house. "American businesses need to be more conscious of Muslim sensibilities in their menu selections," said one official. "Islam is a religion of peace, but it is a religion of peace with a real of a mean streak. We do not want to act of in defense of our faith, but by our religious laws and customers, we simply cannot tolerate these affronts. The sooner American businesses realize they must adapt to our beliefs or we'll try to kill you, the sooner we can put unfortunate incidents like this one behind us."
The Department of Homeland Security downplayed news reports calling this incident a case of domestic terrorism. "I would hardly call a dispute over pancakes a terrorist attack," laughed on DHS official. "What's next? Call in a SWAT team because they put one too many pickles on your burger? No, we would prefer to simply classify this event as one of those things that makes eating out fun. Islam is kind of like a faith based jack-in-the-box. It just sits there doing nothing and then BOOM! It explodes in your face. Kind of like that psychopath neighbor of yours with the violent hair trigger. The only difference is you can talk about your neighbor. That's what makes Islam so special."
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Supreme Court Rules Constitution Unconstitutional.
"What the hell! I haven't heard of half this crap in my life," exclaimed Chief Justice, John Roberts. "Who wrote all this junk? I mean what's this have to do with anything? Hard to run a country with a bunch of stupid rules like that."
After briefly reading the document, Chief Justice Roberts assembled the other Justices, who, after a brief discussion, agreed with Roberts that the Constitution itself was unconstitutional in a 9-0 vote.
"Why'd they have to make it some long," asked Justice John Paul Stevens. "I didn't get half way through it and it felt like my head was going to explode. Did they actually expect us to use this thing for something? Maybe I would have voted differently if there where some cliff notes. But, damn, there must be like a billion rules in there. According to that thing, everything we do is unconstitutional. Way too counterproductive. We are better off without it."
"Boring!" opined Justice Antonin Scalia. "Talk about a parchment sleeping pill. I'd suggest to the White House they make all those prisoners down in Gitmo read the thing to get them talking. But, they'd probably say it was torture."
"'We the People,' who the hell are they?" asked Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "I mean, seriously, no listed credentials, no documented acedemic writings, no case history. Just who are these 'People' and why should we listen to them? I wasn't asked about any of this and I'm one of the "People." This could have been written by bunch of psychopaths for all we know. I checked, and of all the alleged 'People' who singed the document, not one of them has an ABA rating. Are we just going to let a bunch of regular people run around and tell us how the government is supposed to operate? What's next? A junk of hillbillies decides the government is supposed to actually help the general public, and this Constitution thingy says they're right, and then we have to do it? Crazy."
"These morons couldn't even spell," laughed Justice Sonia Sotomayor. "Look at this. It's like they don't know the difference between an 's' and an 'f'. "Congrefs?' That's no even a word! I've seen better legal insights written on toilet paper with a crayon. Hey, can I borrow the last page? I have to take a poop."
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Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election with "Psychic Estimate."
"There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible," Pelosi stated. "Certainly, millions of Americans vote regularly and see it as a civic duty. However, there are millions of others who rarely, if ever vote, and their voices are never heard.
"This is simply unfair. For millions, the demands of voting simply take too much time away from television to make it worth their efforts. Others are simply unable to stop thinking about themselves long enough to do anything that does not give them something for free at the end.
"Still more complain that both paper and electronic ballots require people to read before they can cast a vote. Again, this is simply too much of a burden to place on the average American. Many report they see all those letters, get angry, and just start compulsively stabbing in rage at the ballot until an election official asks them to stop. Why should millions of Americans be disenfranchised simply because they are too distracted and uninformed to make a rational decision?"
"It is obvious this is no way for the greatest democracy in the world to operate, and reform is desperately needed to ascertain the true will of the people. Previous efforts at replacing traditional ballots with one big box marked 'VOTE' have failed to gain widespread support, leaving us little option other than turning to America's psychic community to return fairness and equality to our government."
According to a blue ribbon panel's report released from Pelosi's office, the 2010 election cycle would be replaced by a "psychic estimate of voter intent," conducted by "Madam Mu-Mu," a prominent psychic "reader to and of the stars," from Pelosi's home district near San Francisco.
"My stars," exclaimed Madam Mu-Mu upon learning of per possible appointment. "Madam Mu-Mu never guessed something like this would ever happen to her! Love and light to us all. My Stars!"
Madam Mu-Mu assured she would not just channel the true will of the electorate, "[But] all other disenfranchised spiritual beings who share our dimensional space. Finally, the dolphins, otters, unicorns, even the earth spirit herself, will have a say in the direction of our national economy."
Republican Congressional leaders voiced agreement with the concept of Pelosi's proposal, however, objected to the timing. "Our nation is facing an unprecedented economic downturn, massive budget deficits, and spiralling job loses," said House Minority Leader, John Boehner. "This is no time to add something more to our plate. We would have been very interested in this plan, say in mid 2008, however, now we must focus on dealing with the business of the American people, healthcare reform, and lowering taxes to spur economic recovery. Perhaps we can discuss these reforms after the mid-term elections when we have more time."
Boehner also objected to the selection of Madam Mu-Mu to conduct the psychic estimate, "There has never been any scientific evidence proving the validity of psychic powers. The fate of our nation is too important to leave in the hands of an unverifiable theory. If anyone conducts this estimate, it should be an unbiased Christian like Pat Robertson, or someone like that. If anyone is deciding the future of America, it ought to be God."
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US Mint Offers Service Industry State Quarter Collection.
"A Salute to Low Pay, Long Hours, Crappy Benefits, and Non Transferable Skills."
"All Mint commemorative programs are intended to be a celebration of America's past, present, and future," said a high ranking Mint Official. "What better way to celebrate the diversity of the American workforce than a commemorative program honoring the industry. dedication, and ingenuity that makes our people the most productive in the world? It is a salute to the common man, the regular people who go out, day after day, to work hard to give their families their part of the American dream. But, even more than that, it is a salute to the low pay, long hours, crappy benefits, and non transferable skills that make the profits of America's multinational corporations the envy of the world."
The program, beginning in 2011, will feature four new designs featured on the reverse of the Washington Quarter. The reverses, released in sequential order, will each honor an individual aspect of service industry careers.
The first reverse, titled "Working for the Dream," will detail two working adults, one operating a cash register with a long line of customers waiting to purchase products, the other standing in a long line waiting to receive an allotment of government subsidized cheese. "This design highlights good old fashioned Yankee ingenuity at its best," said the Mint Official. "For the first time in our history, two adults working full time jobs can no longer afford to feed their families. Despite the long hours and demands of raising a family, these adults still find the time to navigate the bureaucratic morass that constitutes the American social welfare safety net. Where there is a will there's a way! God bless us all."
The second, "For the Love of Work," will detail a service industry employee working through their breaks and past their scheduled shifts while off the clock. "Forcing people to skip breaks and lunches and working off the clock has been a traditional part of the service industry for decades," said an artist tasked with designing the quarter. "However, in the past ten years, this practice has come out of the closet and become an indispensable part of most service industry business plans. Many corporate executives specialize specifically in creating unrealistic expectations and stressful environments where employees are willing to do almost anything just to keep their jobs. Today, almost every service industry employee knows that can be replaced by an illegal immigrant in a day. So, how do they respond? By working for free. Find an illegal immigrant willing to do that? I don't think so. Dedication like this will keep Americans a vibrant part of the service industry work force for years to come, or at least until they are replaced by robots."
The third, "Our Fellow Citizen," commemorates the personal interactions between customers and employees that constitutes over 90% of most service industry jobs. On this reverse, a dedicated service industry employee stands, talking on her cell phone and playing with her hair while dozens of customers wait for service. While other employees flee in terror from an armed gunman seeking revenge as a result of a soured personal relationship. "Tomorrow's criminals are today's valued customers," said one retail industry analyst. "You know, next year someone is going to go nuts and shoot up a fast food restaurant for some reason. However, until either the law, nature, or a band of vigilantes takes this person out of the active gene pool, he will have complete and total unfettered access to all service industry employees. This is the kind of thing that makes retail fun; you never know when someone is just going to go off and kill you." The analyst defended the poor service standards honored in the quarter, as well. "You know, it's easy to criticize the slow, lazy service common just about everywhere today. But, let me ask you this... Are you willing to pay for better? Customers want the lowest prices at all times, no matter what. So, employees who are either too stupid to be waitresses or ugly to be strippers is what you get."
The fourth, "The Golden Years," will celebrate the future of the service industry as workers, upon turning 50, will be summarily forced out of their jobs. This quarter's design will show male and female former employees standing outside their former place of employment in tattered clothing while sharing a can of "Alpo" with a spork. Inside, a new twenty-something employee will be doing their former job poorly while making one third the wages. US Mint insiders admit this design is "most optimistic in nature." "Current economic trends indicate that most of the service industry will collapse in a few years. However, if America's corporations can be aggressive in rooting out their dedicated, highly skilled workers in a timely fashion, the industry should have significant upside potential for decades to come." The insider also admitted that showing former service industry employees eating solid food was a "bit unrealistic, as well." "Due to the low quality of service industry health care plans," the insider explained. "Most 50 year old employees won't have teeth."
Terrorists Win!
Bin Laden "Pleasantly Surprised" with 9-11 Show Trial in New York.
Speaking through and interpreter, Bin Laden cautiously complimented the Obama Administration for their decision, "We are, and will remain at war with the Godless infidels until all Islamic lands are free from the stain of their presence. However, we all have to admit that this whole Khalid in New York thing is one heck of nice gesture. I mean, just a few months ago I was living in a cave crapping in a coffee can. Now, just a few short months later, my associates and I have been awarded all the benefits and rights of full United States citizens. I mean, hell, actual American citizens don't have as many rights as I do today! Real citizens get their phones tapped, e-mails scanned, and stripped searched every time they want to get on an airplane in the name of preventing terrorism. And, then me, an actual terrorist; all I have to worry about is not getting on Facebook more than twice a day."
Later, a more sedate Bin Laden admitted that while he is still declaring victory in the War on Terror, he and his Al Qaeda associates cannot accept for credit for the "triumph." "At the beginning of this, our stated goals were to strike fear into the hearts of every American, destroy their economy and way of life, and collapse their system of perverted civil rights in on itself. Today all these are a reality, but, the truth is, all we really did was knock down a few buildings and kill a few thousand innocent people. The rest was done for us by the American government itself. I honestly have to say I am rather impressed at how they destroyed themselves with so little bloodshed and bad media coverage. While I still hate all of them from the depth of my soul, I have to admit we can learn a lot from them."
On the subject of the New York trial, Bin Laden plans "to watch it intently," however, plans nothing "really special" for the event. "I might have some friends over for fondue or something like that. Maybe a car bomb or two, or another mass shooting at a military base or something; just to let everyone know we still care. But, more than anything I just intend on letting things play out as they are. I mean giving Khalid full access to the American justice system will cost tens of millions of dollars just in his personal legal defense. I don't know where this money is coming from, but I'm sure not paying for it," Bin Laden chuckled. "Months of putting the American people on trial while we get to shout our grievances to the world all under the protections of the same Constitution we are vowed to destroy. All this in the shadow of our greatest victory. You know, I have a kidney condition, I have to be careful because too much laughing can make me sick."
United States Attorney General, Eric Holder, dismissed Osama's claims of victory, "You know, both sides have to be fighting before one side declares victory. Let Bin Laden say what he wants. The War on Terror was a policy of the Bush Administration, and we see no obligation to carry it over to ours just because we have thousands of American troops spread around the world fighting it, or, just because there is a clear and present threat to our nation and people."
On the subject of the possible long term consequences of trying an international war criminal in civilian courts, Holder assured BNSE, "It would all work out."
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Congress: Health Care Reform to be Funded by Mysterious Nigerian Prince.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told BSNE at a Capitol Hill news conference, initial contact with Prince D'Uod Mababe was made by Pelosi herself. "I was checking my e-mail in my office when I happened to glance on one that caught my attention," disclosed Pelosi. "It was titled 'Help Me in My Financial Distress,' so naturally, I assumed it was a constituent and opened it. To my surprise, it was not a request for social services, but an offer of financial support!
"Prince Mababe is trapped in a horrible situation. He was illegally exiled from his homeland and vast financial resources by criminal elements within his own government. Now, not only can he not return to his home, he is unable to support his family because he has been denied access to his bank account and massive investment portfolios on a series of unsubstantiated corruption claims put forward by those who wish to halt his charity efforts to feed and educate Nigeria's poorest children. His plea was simple, help me help the poor children, and I will make you rich in the process."
Pelosi continued by saying that her initial contacts with Prince Mababe were met with skepticism, "[laughs] At first, the Prince thought that perhaps my inquiry was some kind of scam, or attempt by elements of the former Bush Administration, acting in concert with the Nigerian government, to entrap him in some trumped up charge of criminal wrong doing. It was only after we transferred several billion dollars worth of 'good faith' seed funds into the Prince's accounts that he even agreed to talk to us. However, after these awkward moments, I am happy to say our relationship has made remarkable progress.
"Specifically, Prince Mababe has informed myself and select Congressional leaders that his wealth was far vaster than we had ever even imagined. In fact, Prince Mababe assures us that with the full backing of the United States government, our portion of the proceeds could be in excess of several trillion dollars, several times what would be required for a complete overhaul of the American health care system. All that would be required on our part is to allow the Prince unfettered access to Congressional Treasury Department accounts, so he can give us the money faster, and a well funded and coordinated attack on Nigeria for the purpose of returning the Prince to his rightful throne. With the financial windfall we should easily reap from this association, I consider all these conditions well worth the price."
Surprising many Congressional insiders, House Minority Leader, John Boehner, expressed enthusiastic support for Speaker Pelosi's plan. "At first, I was wary of the deal. You know, sounded too good to be true type thing. But, then I noticed that Prince Mababe opened his letter with, 'My Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ.' From that I can conclude nothing else than the Prince is a sincere man of faith who reflects the strong family values that the Republican Party stands for, and must be supported. Plus, Speaker Pelosi says that we will get to buy some more guns and stuff with the extra money! I can't wait for that! And, as for invading Nigeria... Well, you know... There's never been a war I didn't like, so what's one more?"
