"Who Gives a Crap" Triumphs in Election Returns.

Washington, DC  (BNSE): Republican and Democratic officials alike celebrated near record low voter turnout in the November 3rd elections, relieving fears that several high profile state races, the current economic crisis, and widespread voter discontent would lead to voters making their voices heard at the ballot box.

In a BSNE opinion poll conducted over the weekend, an anemic 12% of voters indicated "Yes, I intend to vote," while a whopping 78% answered, "There is an election on Tuesday?"  Of that number, a staggering 68% said, they "Would not vote even if they new there was an election."  Of those reversing the trend, 58% said, "They were related to one of the candidates," 28% "They has nothing better to do," and 10% "Enjoy visiting the volunteer fire hall," and 4% "Accidentally showed up at the polling station and felt guilty about just leaving."

"I could not be happier with the results," said one high ranking Democratic campaign manager.  "What we are seeing is a growing understanding by the voting public that it does not matter if they vote or not, we are going to do what we want anyway.  Who cares which party or candidate wins, we are just going to continue supporting our special interest campaign contributors at the expense of everyone else no matter what, so why bother fight it."

A similarly placed Republican official saw "great promise" in the massive decline in the numbers of minority voters.  "I can easily predict that in the 2010 race; if our opponent isn't black, we win."  He also suggested the low turnouts "were good for the system and economy in general."  "In this era of high unemployment, cronyism and nepotism are often overlooked avenues of job creation.  Go to any level of government in the nation and you will find countless low ranking elected offices held by relatives or friends of more powerful political figures.  What would this cadre of incompetent nephews, cousins, and high school buddies be doing if they were not in these posts?  They would be living on unemployment and welfare, is what.  There is no way these people would ever be elected if a lot of normal people came to to the polls."

A regular voter from Arlington, Virginia, disagreed with the sentiments of the national pollsters.  "I love voting, it's fun," he said.  "I just go in, rub my hands all over the touch screen with my eyes closed until I hear a little 'ding.'  Next thing I know, I voted!  I mean seriously, what the hell does the township auditor do anyhow?  I mean do you actually think the Republic will fall because I vote for one guy over another who does not understand what his job is anymore than I do?  If these positions were so damn important, they probably would talk about them on TV.  So, what's the difference."

Other registered voters claimed they preferred to see the results of the election before they would support a candidate.  "I used to vote all the time," said one non-voter from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  "But, then one of the people I voted for didn't win.  What' that?  It's like I wasted my vote.  Now, I only vote for the people I'm sure will win."