White House Names Czar Czar
White House Names Czar Czar.
Washington, DC (BNSE): Earlier today, Obama Administration officials appointed former head of the White House Touch Up Painting Task Force, Bob Whosedisguy, to the newly created, high ranking position of Czar Czar to the President. During the press conference following a brief Rose Garden appointment ceremony, Whosediguy explained the dynamic circumstances behind the creation of his new post, "It all started last Thursday when I walked to one of the rest rooms in the West Wing of the White House to relieve myself. I found the door locked, and when I asked for the key from one of the Administrative assistants, he told me I would have to locate Maria-Elana Henderson, the Administration Necessary Services Czar for the key, and Jerry Millner, the Official White House Toilet Paper Czar in order to gain the authorizations for the use of the facilities. Well, both of these Officials were detained with other duties, and I ended up defecating in the pot of the rubber tree in my office.
"After receiving a warning letter from Trish Hugatree, Official Indoor Ecosystem Preservation Czar, that I committed 'unauthorized fertilization of a non-endangered house plant,' I asked the President during our weekly staff meeting, just how many czars he appointed. He just kind of looked at Rahm Emanuel, and then said, 'Sounds like we have a volunteer!' Next thing you know, I'm the Czar Czar."
The Czar Czar will be tasked with the formidable duties of categorizing and coordinating the activities of the numerous czar positions created in the first 6 months of the Obama administration. At the top of Whosediguy's agenda will be actually figuring out just how many czars the Administration appointed. In media reports, this number has ranged from as low at 15, to 21, to as high as 28. The truth is, nobody really knows.
Possible List of Obama Adminstration Czars:
| Name | Czar Title | Actual (boring) Title |
| Herb Allison | TARP Czar | Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability |
| Alan Bersin | Border Czar | Assistant Secretary for International Affairs and Special Representative for Border Affairs |
| Dennis Blair | Intelligence Czar | Director of National Intelligence |
| John Brennan | Terrorism Czar | Deputy National Security Adviser for Homeland Security |
| Carol Browner | Energy Czar | Assistant to the President for Energy and Climate Change |
| Adolfo Carrion, Jr | Urban Affairs Czar | Director of the White House Office of Urban Affairs |
| Ashton Carter | Weapons Czar | Under Secretary of Defense for Acquisition, Technology, and Logistics |
| Aneesh Chopra | Technology Czar | Chief Technology Officer |
| Jeffrey Crowley | AIDS Czar | Director of the Office of National AIDS Policy |
| Cameron Davis | Great Lakes Czar | Special advisor to the U.S. EPA overseeing its Great Lakes restoration plan |
| Nancy-Ann DeParle | Health Czar | Director of the White House Office of Health Reform |
| Earl Devaney | Stimulus Accountability Czar | Chair of the Recovery Act Transparency and Accountability Board |
| Joshua DuBois | Faith-based Czar | Director of the Office of Faith Based and Neighborhood Partnerships |
| Kenneth Feinberg | Pay Czar | Special Master on executive pay |
| Danny Fried | Guantanamo Closure Czar | Special envoy to oversee the closure of the detention center at Guantanamo Bay |
| J. Scott Gration | Sudan Czar | Special Envoy to Sudan |
| Richard Holbrooke | Afghanistan Czar | Special Representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan |
| John Holdren | Science Czar | Assistant to the President for Science and Technology, Director of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, and Co-Chair of the President’s Council of Advisers on Science and Technology |
| Van Jones | Green Jobs Czar | Special Adviser for Green Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation at the White House Council on Environmental Quality |
| Gil Kerlikowske | Drug Czar | Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy |
| Vivek Kundra | Information Czar | Federal Chief Information Officer |
| George Mitchell | Mideast Peace Czar | Special Envoy to the Middle East |
| Ed Montgomery | Car Czar | Director of Recovery for Auto Communities and Workers |
| Dennis Ross | Mideast Policy Czar | Special Adviser for the Persian Gulf and Southwest Asia |
| Gary Samore | WMD Czar | Coordinator for the Prevention of WMD Proliferation and Terrorism |
| Todd Stern | Climate Czar | Special Envoy for Climate Change |
| Cass Sunstein | Regulatory Czar | Director of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs |
| Paul Volcker | Economic Czar | Chairman of the Economic Recovery Advisory Board |
Source: Politifact.com
According to Whosedisguy, his position is of critical importance, "The bottom line is the maintenance of the unaccountability of the President is critical to achieving the goals of Change America Can Believe In. The only way the President can maximize the successes of his Administration is to have a ready supply of bureaucratic scapegoats at the ready to take the blame for the failures. Additionally, less popular policy decisions can be delegated to the Czars, leaving the President the ability of promise to "enforce accountability and set things right," then due nothing and blame it on yet another Czar.
"Until now, the hole in the plan was that all the Czars reported directly to the President. This left open the possibility, no matter how remote, that the President could be held accountable for his decisions. That is no longer the case. Now, I will be to blame for everything."
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