Banks to Accept Children's Virginity in Lieu of Mortgage Payment.

New York, NY  (BNSE):   In a move raising eyebrows across the nation, several major banks announced plans to give mortgage holders a one month mortgage credit in exchange for the virginity of their children. Details of the plans vary from company to company, however, most consist of the parents dropping their virgin child off at a local, low cost hotel where they are met by a high ranking banking executive.  The parents then return 20 minutes later and retrieve their child.  Then, within two to six business weeks, the parent will receive a voucher good for one month's mortgage payment applied to their escrow account, so long as the account remains in good standing.  Interest and other fees will still apply.

"This is a win, win, for everyone," said Fred Pedofeel, Director of Alternative Funding for a major international bank.  "Our valued customers get desperately needed debt relief during these troubled economic times.  And, we...  Well, we will get to have sex with your kids!  What a better way to introduce them to the way the world really works, and assert our absolute dominance over every last aspect of your lives?"

The requirements for the program are relatively simple.  Pedofeel explained, "The parent submits a photo of their child for review.  Once we've determined the kid is not too fat or ugly, they undergo a simple medical exam at the parent's expense to verify their virginity.  After that, we just let nature take its course and the customer gets a big fat free mortgage voucher."

Civil libertarians, children's rights activists, and just about everyone with kids reacted with outrage and threats of legal action almost immediately at the announcement.  However, Pedofeel quickly dismissed their claims as, "The rantings of deadbeats with ugly kids."

"People run around crying that we are taking advantage of desperate people.  One even accused us of being rapists!  I say, if your child's virginity and larger psychological welfare was so important to you, then you probably should not have lost your job and fallen behind on your obligations.  Most of the mortgage payments we pay out are in the $1000 to $2000 range.  I challenge any parent to get that same rate on the streets for their kid in the free market.  I think it is quite fair and generous.

"Just the other night, I performed a transaction with the 17 year old daughter of a laid off auto worker from Cleveland.  She was cute, but still in that adolescent awkward phase, way to skinny and cried the entire time.  Other than the domination and humiliation of another human being, I didn't have one bit of fun.  But, we still gave the customer a $1735 voucher for his next mortgage payment.  If you ask me, I was the one taken advantage of in that deal."

Other critics of the program say that one mortgage payment is hardly enough to warrant such a violation of a child, and at the virginity requirement.  Mel Oscalon, of Atlanta, Georgia, complained, "They said I didn't qualify because my daughter was not a virgin.  How do they know that!  Lot's a 16 year olds have three kids and are still virgins!"

Pedofeel says several banks are looking to expand the program in 2010 to include non-virgin children, and even young adults up to the age of 26 provided "they are REALLY hot."  Other plans may include more than one month's mortgage payment for the ongoing services of the child.  "I must admit, the plan is still in its pilot phase, and unless you have a really big family, this plan will not offer much in terms of long term debt relief.  But, it is a start.

"American law is rather nebulous in regards to slavery.  Once we get this and a few other pesky legal issues out of the way, we would like to see programs where we just take your kids and have them work in sweat shops, run around as living targets at our rifle clubs, and even band them together in bands of pickpockets to held support our financial institution's bottom line.  These are just the tip of the iceberg in the ways your banks are trying to make life better for all of us."

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