Capitol Hill Vandalized by Ghosts of Founding Fathers!!!

Graffiti: "Why are you looking here when the Joke is in Your Legislation."

FBI Headquarters could take months to repair. 

Is this Benjamin Rush?

Washington, DC  (BSNE Exclusive):  Capitol Police, FBI, Secret Service, and Department of Homeland Security were abuzz today after an apparent "night of mischief" on Capitol Hill and surrounding areas in Washington, DC.  High ranking officials, who spoke to BSNE on agreement we do not release their identities, confirmed eye witness and electronic surveillance reports that various ghosts, specters, and ethereal disembodied entities were responsible for the mayhem, or "revelry" as it was referred in the 18th Century.

One unidentified official, who "knows a lot about history," told BSNE, the Founding Fathers were the prime suspects in the assault due to "the politically charged context of the vandalism," spectral images of "lots of guys in white wigs," and "an unusually high level of humor and wit in the pranks that would be virtually impossible to recreate today by anyone exposed to the American Education System."

Reports of vandalism began pouring in shortly after midnight when the Capitol Hill maintenance staff reported the Capitol Press Room "Stuffed to the gills" with classified documents relating to the Kennedy Assassination, Iran-Contra Affair, Guantanamo Bay interrogations, and "a complete and total audit of the Federal Reserve handwritten on parchment with lots of 'S's' that looked like 'F's.'"

Telltale Feather Pens and Inkwells were Found Nearby.

The incidents soon spread to the White House as switchboard personnel reported, "An eerie, disembodied voice, identifying itself as Patrick Henry, calling repeatedly asking if the White House's 'refrigerator was running,' if the Presidential Commissary had "Prince Edward in a can," and if the Administration had any Cabinet level positions open "for Amanda Huginkiss."  The voice would then, allegedly, issue an "unearthly cackle" and hanged up, only to call back moments later.

Secret Service officials report they also thwarted a direct attack on the White House,  "Motion sensing equipment detected an intrusion on the North Lawn.  We responded in force only to find a small paper bag filled with feces along with antique flint and steel fire-starting equipment.  We believe the intent of the attack was to place the bag of feces on the porch of the White House, set it ablaze, then ring the doorbell and run away in an effort to coax President Obama into stamping out the blaze, thus embarrassing himself by getting the feces on his shoes."  According to Secret Service reports, "A Gift from John Hancock," was written in highly artistic calligraphy on the bag.

Incidents climaxed shortly before daybreak as a 40 foot tall tree was found shoved into the Capitol Rotunda.  Historians speculate this demonstration was a protest of sorts from the spirit of America's first President, George Washington, playing on the story of the youthful George admitting he cut down a cherry tree.

Ghost of Washington on Capitol Rotunda CCTV?        

Capitol Rotunda Moments Later.

Message Left at Base of Tree.

Chris Oltimey, President of the Benjamin Franklin Museum in Philadelphia took umbrage at assertions Ben Franklin was involved in the destruction, "Why is it every time something goofy happens in Washington, they think Ben is to blame?  Sure, he'd probably be very upset at the current scope and actions of our government, but I firmly believe he would advocate working within the system and not these rebellious acts."

Oltimey quickly changed his story when BSNE confronted him with conclusive evidence of Franklin's involvement:

Graffiti Found by the Door of Pennsylvania Representative John Murtha's Office.

"Yeah...  That was him," Oltimey conceded before he abruptly ending the interview.

House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, lashed out at the Founding Fathers, "You know, in their day they were regarded as nothing but a bunch of rabble raising trouble makers, and, as you can see, we are still suffering from their influence to this day.  It is my understanding that back in the 18th Century, their antics become violent, and the legal governmental authorities even had to use military action to end their unrest.  We do not need people who think like that today."

Republican leaders could not be reached for comment as they were unable to leave their offices since late last night after numerous pennies and other coins were shoved into the jams of their doors, making it impossible to the doors to open.  Congressional Maintenance officials stated they would unjam the doors as soon as "anyone cared what they had to say."

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