Palin Announces Post Gubernatorial Agenda. "I Will Find Elvis to Help Fight the Zombie Menace!"

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Palin Announces Post Gubernatorial Agenda.

"I Will Find Elvis to Help Fight the Zombie Menace!"



Like the A-Team with Boobs.

 

 

 

Juneau, AK  (BNSE):  Close associates of former Alaska Governor, and Vice Presidential candidate, Sara Palin, ended weeks of speculation today with the formal announcement of her post gubernatorial agenda.  According to these insiders, Palin will "Continue her fight for the people of Alaska and America by dedicating her immense talents and energies toward ridding the world of the undead zombie menace plaguing the planet.  To aide her in her fight, Governor Palin intends to seek out and find the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley, to join her in this struggle."

"Governor Palin has not entered this decision lightly," said the official spokesperson.  "Over the past several months, she has become increasingly concerned over the collusion between Big Government, the Main Stream Media, and Internet Bloggers, to cover up the fact that the bodies of the recently deceased are returning to life and attacking the living.  During this time, Governor Palin and her closest advisers determined it would be impossible for her to continue on in her position as Alaska's governor while fighting this menace at the same time.  We cannot be more clear.  The spread of the zombie plague is the single largest threat to the American way of life, and must be stopped."

According to the spokesperson, "Even with Governor Palin's complete dedication of time and effort, we have determined the size and scope of the crisis is too much even for Sara.  Therefore, we are making the location and recruitment of the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley, into our struggle our first order of business."  According to the spokesman, Palin has "almost documented evidence" that Elvis is not only alive, but living as a "zombie hunting soldier of fortune in Central America" who recently returned to the United States to buy more shag carpet for the dashboard of his Cadillac.  Palin's plans to find Elvis are remarkably similar to her plans to attract zombies, consisting largely of "The utilization of feminine wiles, firepower, patriotism, Yankee ingenuity, and moose jerky."

Other news sources quote Palin as saying, "What do you mean, 'Why Elvis?'  It couldn't he more logical.  Who else is American enough to do it?  This is what is wrong with Washington today.  Everything is 'Elvis is dead,' 'there are no zombies,' 'you need to get some sleep,' 'please, Sara. get off the roof of the garage with the gun and put your clothes back on.'  But, when I hear these questions, I just look them in the eye and say, 'You bet 'cha.'"  Palin then, allegedly, held up a jar of liquid, and asked the reporter if he would wish to donate his "precious bodily fluids" to the cause since they are a potent zombie lure.

In other news, the Alaska Department of Tourism released a statement assuring the rest of the country that "The vast majority of Alaskans are mature, sane, rational adults," and apologized to "misleading the nation into thinking Governor Palin was one of them."

Elvis Hinting Zombies in Belize?

Editor's Note:  BSNE remains committed to the safety and welfare of all its readers.  If you have been the victim of a zombie attack, or seen Elvis, please contact this site.

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