EPA: Free Speech Causes Global Warming!

Washington, DC  (BNSE): The Environmental Protection Agency released its updated quarterly findings today, which placed "Free Speech Carbon Emissions" as "one of the largest unchecked sources of Carbon Dioxide contamination in North America."

An EPA spokesman told BNSE, "Some people use their mouths for eating, smiling, and a place to keep their teeth and tongues.  But, others just use them for yipping and yapping.  'Why are you doing nothing to create jobs,' 'Why are the banks getting trillions and I have to pay for it,' 'Why and I being arrested, this,' 'What happened to my civil rights, that.'  Nothing but complain, complain, complain.

"In addition to this being a major pain in the neck to our elected leaders and government bureaucracy, not to mention a major impediment to progress and change, all this yammering injects massive amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere.  It is a documented fact that human beings breath in oxygen and and breath out carbon dioxide.  We have contracted several studies showing these same exhalations of CO2 increase dramatically when people are talking, particularly when the conversation is emotionally charged, or about something the person believes in deeply.  Basically, our studies find that people exercising their free speech rights generate the carbon footprint roughly equivalent to running a '72 Plymouth in your driveway without a muffler for a couple days.  It is obvious that if we are going to prevent the catastrophic collapse of civilization, we must end the exercising of free speech immediately."  The spokesman pointed to the ice in his drink as proof, "Look, we've only been talking for 10 minutes, and the ice is almost gone!"

The spokesman acknowledged that Freedom of Speech is protected by the First Amendment, but added, "It is obvious that the Framers of the Constitution did not have climate change on their minds when they wrote the Bill of Rights."  "Most of the provisions in the Constitution are hundreds of years old, and do not address the real problems of the 21st Century.  We feel strongly that most of these old ideas need brushed aside to better reflect the America of today, and give us the tools to combat climate change.  If we do nothing, carbon emissions from Free Speech could increase the CO2 levels in the atmosphere by 0.00000000001% by 2142.  Our computer models show this titanic growth could translate into roughly a 12,000 degree increase in global temperatures by 2032.  I cannot understate this threat.  Free Speech will turn the world into a fiery ball of rock by 2013."

The spokesman further explained, "The complete eradication of Freedom of Speech could be months away," and recommended private citizens utilize the EPA's "Smart Speech" program to positively impact the environment immediately.

Some of these recommendations include:

1.  Just sit and smile all the time.

2.  Shake your head in agreement when the government tells you what to do.

3.  Avoid thinking at all costs.  Form all thoughts and opinions from what you see on TV.

4.  If you mus use the Internet, only use it to purchase things.  Focus on ever increasing your pile of stuff rather than the world around you.

When asked what we could do to help, the Spokesman assured BNSE, "We have everything under control.  Just keep your mouth shut, stay out of our way, do what you're told, and everything will be just fine."

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