Fed Taps OJ Simpson to Investigate "The REAL Culprits" Behind Financial Collapse
Fed Taps O.J. Simpson to Investigate "The REAL Culprits" Behind Financial Collapse.
Washington, DC (BNSE): In an effort to diffuse growing public outrage at the financial industry, the Federal Reserve announced the start of its own internal investigation into the root causes of the current global economic collapse and the culprits responsible.
In a surprise move, the Fed named former Heisman Trophy winner, O.J. Simpson to head up the investigation of who is to blame for the world's current recession. A high ranking Federal Reserve official told BNSE, "O.J. and the Fed actually have quite a bit in common. We have both been blamed for a crime we did not commit. Despite all evidence pointing to our guilt and reckless abandon toward the normal standards of human behavior, we are still being unjustly judged in the court of public opinion. It's just wrong.
"O.J. impressed us with his tireless devotion in sleuthing out the identities of the real killers of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown-Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, in 1994. After much deliberation, we unanimously decided there was nobody more qualified, or with a better track record of investigative success, than O.J. to clear our good names."
Mr. Simpson arrived at the Fed in his trademark white Bronco wearing a "Sherlock Holmes" styled hat and carrying a large magnifying glass with which he used to closely inspect the door knobs into the room, as well as the lapels of several reporters' suit jackets. O.J. explained he was prepared to start the query immediately, and would need little support from the Fed itself, since, in addition to his detective outfit, he had his trusty Swiss Army Knife. "I can't tell you how many problems this little baby as solved for me," he confided.
The Official added the Federal Reserve and O.J. were in agreement that the "real culprits" behind the financial collapse were one in the same as the "real murderers" of Brown-Simpson. "We also have reason to believe that this same nefarious cable is responsible for the high gas prices last summer, issuing billions of dollars in risky sub-prime mortgage loans, renting out numerous corporate jets and visiting fantastic vacation location under our good names. All this while we were busy trying to ensure that every penny of the billions of dollars in tax payer bailouts we received went to help everyone, not just our friends, business acquaintances, and personal financial interests. It is a disgrace what they have done to us."
O.J. plans to begin his investigation with a tour of several golf courses and exclusive country clubs in Florida and Arizona, and possible moving the probe to either the British Virgin Islands or Costa Rica for the winter months.
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