Critical Thinking Declared Mental Disorder.
Critical Thinking Declared Mental Disorder.
Minneapolis, MN (BNSE): Psychiatrists from around the globe met this week for an annual conference to coordinate the most cutting edge research in the mental health sciences. In what is commonly referred as "The Global State of Mind," the psychiatry panel declared critical thinking as the most dangerous mental disorder effecting humanity today.
A high ranking member of the Panel told BNSE, "After reviewing multiple studies from around the world, we find the evidence conclusive that not only is critical thinking a mental disorder, but responsible for over 35% of all cases of depression, malaise, and general discontent in the industrialized world. Victims of this disease often find themselves living alone and in isolation, separate from their mentally healthy families, friends, and neighbors who glide through live oblivious to the realities around them. They also tend to plan ahead, attempt to make solid, rational decisions, and have a thorough understanding of both intended and unintended consequences; all traits that put them at odds with the modern world.
"In my personal practice, patients plagued with this affliction spend hours seeking out facts and forming opinions on their own rather than watching TV and drinking beer. A shocking 75% of these patients could not even tell me who either Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan were dating at the moment, and some even ventured to say they 'really did not care about the Octo-Mom,' or have any interest in reading Oprah's latest self help book. Professionally, I really do not understand how these people can function with this level of ignorance.
"One of my patients even put me to task when I recommended he be involuntarily committed to a pychicatric institution. He concocted some bizarre theory that because he was a healthy, peaceful, productive member of society, he should be allowed to just go about his business unmolested. He just could not comprehend that his children wanted his money and they could not get it so long as he required them to hold down jobs. It was almost as if the fact there was a new club in town and his children needed money for clothes and drugs was not important to him."
In addition to the personal problems created by this disorder, the Doctor also pointed out "the serious societal, political, and economic consequences caused by these victims going untreated." "If it was not for a sudden spike in critical thinking cases a few years ago, the United States would probably have invaded 9 to 10 countries instead of just two after 9/11, and the threat of global terrorism would be completed eradicated from the planet and ever man, woman and child would be living in perfect democratic peace and prosperity by now. Crime would be a thing of the past as people would understand you don't need civil rights when your sitting on the couch planning out how you are going to manage to watch all 312 new reality shows debuting this fall. And, there would be no economic crisis as people would just work at jobs and not bother caring about how they were treated, how much they were paid, or even if they had adequate healthcare. They would just do out and buy stuff when they wanted it, and when they ran out of money just run out and get another credit card. We would be living in a paradise today reminiscent of "The Jetsons" instead of the dysfunctional world inflicted on us today."
Despite the magnitude of the problem, the doctor sees ample signs of hope, "While the exact caused of critical thinking require more study, there is a definite link with education. The public school systems have done an admiral job of eliminating this disease from the majority of the population over the last 35 years. However, we are still seeing an alarming number of individuals who have somehow managed to develop critical thinking on their own. These 'ferals,' as we call them, are just as destructive as formally educated sufferers of the disease, but are less likely to seek treatment as they generally only exhibit their disease on the Internet."
The Panel recommends "a full court press against this disorder" led by the introduction of several new psychiatric medications. One in particular, Fucitol, has show impressive results in clinical trials, leaving test subjects, "Little more than semi-autonomous meat puppets bumping bumping about the face of the world."
©2009 Best News Site EVER!
