Congress Bans Ben Gay and Electric Scooters at Town Hall Meetings!
Congress Bans Ben Gay and Electric Scooters at Town Hall Meetings!
Retirees Celebrate Something New to Complain About.
Washington, DC (BNSE): Tensions at local Town Hall meetings between Congresspeople and Senators and their constituents rose even higher this week with the announcement Congress moved to ban all Ben Gay, the popular arthritis and muscle pain relieving creme, and electric power scooter use at the meetings.
According to Congressional leaders, the move is not intended to prevent or inhibit retirees, whose boisterous protests at the meetings are dominating the headlines, from attending or participating in the Town Halls. Instead, they say the decision was based on "diversity and safety concerns."
House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, told BNSE, "These meetings are being overrun by hordes of geriatric terrorists backed by scented analgesic creme lobbyists. Every time I listen to news reports of them talking, all I hear is 'I got Ben Gay so now I'm here to speak my mind,' 'I got Ben Gay, so I can wait around all day to speak,' 'I got Ben Gay, so I don't even need to sit.' I cannot think of anything more crass, insensitive, and condescending to say. Ben was born gay, thank you very much. To allow this type of hate speech to continue in a Congressional public forum is simply unacceptable."
House Majority Leader Harry Reid said, "Many Members of Congress expressed serious concerns that the powerful Ben Gay scent of so many retirees in a confined area is having a serious impact on their health. Many have told me that the smell hits them like a brick wall. They get dizzy and disoriented, and next thing you know they are making stupid, incoherent, statements and acting disinterested and condescending. And, the power chairs... Well, it's obvious how easily these could be utilized in a terrorist attack. One retiree decides he needs to inch up a little closer to the podium and bumps the guy in front of him... Next thing you know we have a stampede that could lead to a bloodbath. Plus, the low center of gravity and inherent stability of most electric scooters is making it very difficult for our union goons to intimidate and harass the Town Hall attendees. We have already had several reports of serious lower back strains and even a slipped disc from volunteers injuring themselves while trying to flip the chairs and their occupants over in the parking lot."
Republican leaders could not be reached for comment as they are taking part in a "Heathcare Fact Finding Tour" sponsored by several pharmaceutical manufacturers and HMO lobbyists. They plan on examining the heathcare benefits of several spas in the south of France and Italy for the next two weeks.
While retirees attending the Town Hall meetings were generally outraged by the Congressional action, most welcomed the move as it added to their already growing list of complaints they intend to address at the meetings.
"YEAH I'M MAD!!!" said one Town Hall attendee. "No power chairs? How can I be a little rascal in my Little Rascal when I have to leave it in the car! This is insane. They keep this us and I'm going to shove this handful of ribbon candy down their throats. That's what I'm going to do."
Others saw the action as part of a larger pattern of discrimination against the elderly, "I can't see why we can't use Ben gay before the meeting. I mean why? Just like I can't understand why Denny's can't have the breakfast Early Bird past 11 AM during the week. Why just Sunday? Some days I spend the entire morning driving really slow in the passing lane with my right turn signal on, and I just can't get there before 11. DAMMIT! Why should I have to pay $2 more just because it's Thursday?"
For one retired meat packer from Wisconsin, the ban is just another attempt by the government to control the lives at the elderly. "They just want to do is make us wards of the state. I'm not a rich man. All I have to my name is my Social Security and Medicare. If Congress gets their way with healthcare, I'll be forced to live on government handouts."
Representing the growing ranks of Baby Boomers approaching retirement age, 62 year old and recently retired Brent Formerhippie said, "I used to think that retirees had all they needed and where just being a burden to society when they asked for increased benefits. But, that was over 20 years ago. Now, I understand that while the elderly could live on Alpo when I was young back in the 1970's, society has evolved to where I cannot. Personally, I think Congress is missing the issue and overreacting in their decision. We are not against healthcare reform, we are just against it effecting us. I think the middle ground Congress should explore is giving us everything we want at the expense of the younger generations, just like they did when they tried to reform Social Security."
In other news, Johnson and Johnson, manufacturer of Ben Gay, announced the release of "Ben Perfectly Acceptable Alternative Lifestyle" joint and muscle creme. The Company plans on the new product hitting the markets in the next two months.
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