Six Explode After Taking Swine Flu Vaccine!
Six Explode After Taking Swine Flu Vaccine.
CDC Says Vaccine Safe for the Poor and People without Lawyers.
Atlanta, GA (BNSE): A Center for Disease Control Press Briefing took a surprising turn this weekend as six volunteers suddenly exploded shortly after receiving an injection of the experimental H1N1 (Swine Flu) vaccine. The explosion shattered windows over two miles away, and 500 foot tall flames could be seen for miles around the test facility.
A Center for Disease contol spokesperson called the sudden energetic explosion of test subjects, "A statistical anomaly, and should not be considered indicative of the overall safety of the vaccine."
A high ranking scientist involved in the development of the vaccine told BNSE, "The bottom line is we tested the vaccine on 20 people and only six exploded. This is well within current FDA safety limits for all new medications. About a trillion people have been killed on the rides at Disney World, and I don't see people trying to shut that place down. No, there are long lines there every day because the general public like the excitement and fun the park has to offer. I think the same will be true when we initiate the mandatory public vaccination program this Fall. People will show up, 'Hey, maybe I'll blow up, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll get the flu maybe I won't. Maybe I'll get a crippling neurological disorder from the vaccine's side effects, maybe I won't.' It will be fun and exciting! Getting the vaccine will be kind of like a lottery where almost everyone wins!"
The CEO of one of the major pharmacuetical companies charged with the production of the vaccine was at a loss to explain the explosions, but said the company was prepared to offer compensation to the families of any patient who explodes as a result of the vaccination. "We don't really know what could cause this to happen. Hell, we don't really know what's in the thing, let alone what it does. We just kind of threw it all together and are hoping for the best. The important thing is that it is very expensive. Since everyone is going to be forced to take it, we are looking forward to significant upside potential in our third and fourth quarter earnings estimates. Additionally, despite these tight economic times, we are prepared to offer the families of any person who either explodes or otherwise dies within 48 hours of receiving the vaccine, a 20% off coupon good toward their next purchase of any one of our fine erectile dysfunction products on the market. If you ask me, that makes taking the risk worthwhile right there."
House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, expressed sympathy with those concerned about the safety of the vaccine, "It's an unknown, so obviously many people are going to be apprehensive. However, I would urge all those considering avoiding the vaccine think about how they will keep themselves safe. As the infection spreads during the cold and flu season, what are you going to do? Wash your hands frequently with warm, soapy, water? Stand at a safe distance from those exhibiting cold and flu-like symptoms? Staying home from work and visiting your doctor at the first sing of symptoms? Ridiculous! The only answer is subjecting yourself to a potentially dangerous, relatively untested vaccine with unknown long term side effects."
A spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security said the inoculation program will begin later this month as children begin returning to school. The "Smart Shot Program," as it has been named, "Will target our most vulnerable populations first. Primarily poor, heavily minority urban areas, populations designated 'dumb' by the 2000 Census, and any area where the average annual income indicates an inability to easily retain competent legal council, will be treated first. More affluent populations, critical political donors, and government leaders will be treated later after all the bugs are worked out and the vaccine doesn't actually kill anyone."
In other news, mortuary and casket stocks and futures markets soared on news of the test's success.
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