High School Seniors to Receive Valuable Lessons in Bureaucratic Incompetence and Arbitrary Abuse of Power.

Bristol, PA.  (BNSE): National Teachers' Unions and high school administrators across the country announced a new series of education programs for high school seniors returning for the new school year.  While much additional funding is still required for the complete implementation of the program, educators and administrators alike feel the importance of these programs far overshadows any question over the availability of funds.  Many familiar with the programs insist the over all costs can be kept manageable considering many critical aspects of the agenda are already in place.

A renowned educator involved in the planning of this series of new initiatives stated at a news conference that the programs were created in response "To a very real need within the public education system."  He explained. "Parents and educators alike share the concern that current education models are not preparing our new graduates for life in the real world.  While academic excellence and achievement are always our chief goal, there is a very real need to adequately prepare our children for the complex technological society and 21st Century economy they are entering.

"The problem is many of these programs are costly, and considering the vast scope of potential career and educational choices available to young people today, it is very difficult to find a model that would benefit all students, not just a select few.  What could we even consider the 'core competencies' needed by young adults to understand as they embark on their journey of life?  What is the most valuable lesson we can give them to get them on the road to success and living productive lives?  Solid reading skills?  A firm understanding of mathematics and the sciences?  A working knowledge of our government, legal, and social systems?  All these are simply too time consuming and expensive to be realistic.  No, there had to be a better tool we could give our students.  After long consideration and research, we found the answer to this question much closer to home than anyone expected.

"The answer was really obvious, the greatest gift we can give our new graduates is a complete understanding and real life experience with living under and unwieldy, unresponsive, disconnected, incompetent bureaucracy, and the arbitrary abuse of power by those in positions of perceived authority.  This is actually the lesson many graduates already learn in the educational system, and, I say proudly, one of the things we do best.  However, with a substantial increase in funding, we could refine these pluses into effective programs that would not only beat any spark of ambition and creativity out of the future leaders of tomorrow, but give all students a firm understanding that they are nothing but pawns and numbers within an uncaring system.  Now, our graduates will have more than an eighth grade reading level and diploma when they leave us.   Soon, our graduates will leave our schools knowing that the road to success in America today involves keeping quiet, doing what you are told, and allowing those far more qualified than you to make all the critical decisions in your life."

A critical component of the new programs are enhancements to the already popular "Zero Torrence Drug Policies" in most schools.  While the expulsion of students for carrying aspirin, vitamins, rescue inhalers, and over the counter allergy medications are common place, new programs will require random drug testing of students for these same substances.  School administrators will select students "they do not really like," "obviously show the potential of possessing a higher intellect or reasoning skills than their instructors," or whom "ask probing questions not covered in the teaching guides."  Any positive results of even a prescription medication will result in disciplinary actions, "most likely leading to expulsion, or being sent to alternative schooling for advanced instruction in petty street crime."

Placement in advanced and college preparatory courses will continue to be conducted much as it is today, with increased emphasis on ensuring the children of wealthy parents, personal friends of teachers and administrators, and selected students educators just like for some reason, receiving primary consideration.  Academic achievement and ability will be dropped from all entrance requirements.  These students will also receive extensive support with college placement, financial aid services, inclusion in various award programs and honor societies, and all other aspects of gaining entrance to the best universities.  All other students will be relegated to semi-annual 15 minute meetings with the Guidance Counselling staff.

Guidance counsellors will be required to mercilessly and incessantly promote the college or university where they completed their personal undergraduate study, irregardless of the students' interests, prospective field of study, or financial resources.  Any student wishing information on any other institution will be forcibly reassigned to vocational training, or told to join the Army.  Students expressing concerns about their future job prospects will be instructed to pursue computer sciences, liberal arts, or any other similar over populated program offering limited career growth.

Students receiving minor injuries during physical education or seeking school nursing services will be only given condoms.  Males must wear the condoms.  Any student who refuses, or fails to be cured by this treatment will have their names turned over to Child Protective Services who will conduct an invasive inspection of the students' homes and personal lives of their parents.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg," the educator concluded.  "Other aspects of the programs include school secretaries not taking messages or just hanging up on parents, random inspection of students' personal websites, and capricious grading will all play a part.  The bottom line is we must make our students' last year of high school as close to the realities of the real world as possible.  We feel that this program will address this issue like no other and truly prepare our children for their lives.  We are not just teaching our children.  We are teaching our futures.  When I look out there, I do not see numbers and grades.  I see the future backbone of America's critical 21st Century food service and pornography industries."

BNSE attempted to contact the above educator for a personal interview, but what informed by his administrative assistant that "see only had two months off and now everyone wants me to do something."

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