Movie Studios Blame California Wild Fires on File Sharing.

Hollywood, CA  (BNSE): As firefighters from around the nation battle the largest California wildfire of the season, major movie studio executives take aim at those they claim are responsible for the destruction.  Speaking to reporters in front of historic movie lots where such classics as "Pootytang," "Meet the Spartans," and "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" were crafted, the executives took dead aim on those they claim are responsible; internet file sharers.

"After years of destroying our profit margins, these nefarious vultures have gone beyond the bounds of decency with their latest terrorist attack," charged one major studio head.  "Over one hundred thousand acres of pristine wilderness have gone up in flames, and thousands of people are in danger of losing their homes.  This is just the latest atrocity file sharers have perpetrated, and now it is not just costing our society money, but lives.  Government and law enforcement authorities must act now to end the scourge of file sharing before it topples the very pillars our civilization is based."

Taking aim at critics who challenge there is no direct causal relationship between file sharing and the actual cause or spread of the wildfires, the executives presented several pieces of incriminating circumstantial evidence.  "I ask you this, what areas are these wildfires threatening?  The answer is the suburbs of Los Angeles.  Can these naysayers honestly say there is no file sharing occurring in the suburbs of Los Angeles?  I think not.  Coincidence you say?  I guess these thugs would say six million dead Jews in Nazi Germany is just a coincidence, too.  Thousands of people in Los Angeles illegally share files every day, and now these fires start, and they say it's a coincidence?  Personally, I refuse to dignify the accusations of holocaust deniers with a response."

Comprehensive reports compiled by private investigation firms hired by the studios showed movie attendance from areas directly affected by the wildfires dropped over 75% as compared to the same period last year, with DVD sales and rentals dropping an additional 60%.  According to the reports, residents interviewed claimed "[They were] concerned about their homes and the lives of their loved ones, and less concerned with legally paying to view such timeless classics as 'Pink Panther II,' or "Ace Ventura, Jr.' now showing in theaters."  The reports strongly concluded these residents "felt they could neglect viewing this high quality entertainment and focus their energies on less pressing issues due to the fact they were confident they could illegally download these intellectual properties later at their leisure."

Perhaps the most damaging piece of circumstantial evidence to those supporting file sharing came from the reports' documentation of a distinct lack of interest by the general public at the spread of the wildfires up Mount Wilson, home of the majority of greater Los Angeles' television transmission towers.  The reports conclusively showed local residents were far more concerned with "defending their homes from the fires than the protection of the television towers."  Some residents were even seen assisting and aiding comfort to firefighters by providing them food and drinks, and clearing hazardous brush from around their properties.  Conversely, almost no local residents were observed doing the same near the Mount Wilson transmission stations.  The reports strongly condemned these actions as "the futile efforts of file sharing criminals to defend their homes which serve as little more than the protective shells for their personal computers and other file sharing paraphernalia."

The executive urged immediate action needs taken to prevent the spread of more file sharing related wildfires.  Some of his recommendations included banning the Internet, requiring residents displaced by the wildfires to purchase feature movie DVD's as a prerequisite to receive Red Cross services, and suing all residents of greater Los Angeles for the costs of fighting the fires and any projected loss of revenues to the movie studios due to the drop in movie attendance in the effected areas due to their "proven complicity with the file sharing crime syndicates."

In other news, the movie studios announced they will be holding all day matinee showings of "Alien vs. Predator" to all residents who lost their homes, as a sign of good will, and a firm statement that there is nothing a little money cannot fix."

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