Republican Healthcare Alternative Composed of Random Twitter Posts!

Washington, DC  (BNSE): Responding to critics accusing the Republicans of offering no new ideas in the Healthcare reform debate, Congressional Republicans released draft legislation this week containing their alternative proposals to enter the Committee discussions once Congress returns from their summer recess.  Coming hot on the heels of raucous town hall meetings, where disgruntled constituents vented their frustration at their Representatives regarding aspects of the Democratic plans, Republicans praised their plan as "offering real reform to the American people."

House Minority Leader, John Boehner, called the proposed bill, "A new beginning for the American people," and, "A realistic, affordable plan offered in the spirit of true bipartisanship.  The Democratic leadership can no longer claim Republicans are trying to kill Healthcare reform, or distort the issue for political gain.  This bill tells the whole nation; The Republicans are here, and we are ready to work."

Boehner's press conference took a sudden turn for the worse as several reporters noticed upon initial inspection that the text of the bill appeared to be largely composed of random, unrelated, short sentences and phrases.  When confronted with the text, Boehner shouted, "No it's not!"  Threw his speaking podium to the floor to form a makeshift barricade between himself and the press corps, and fled the room.

After a detailed investigation of the bill, BNSE can confirm that the "Healtcare Patriot Act III for a Safer, Healthier America," is, indeed, composed largely of random posts gleaned from the popular social networking site, Twitter.com.

For example, Section 247, "COBRA Extension Exemptions for the Recently Unemployed," reads, "Still waiting for me meeting.  Coffee's cold already.  Men are jerks, moving to Seattle.  U nEEDs 2 ChEcK oUt DeeS JUGS!!!  www.(CENSORED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY).com."

A disproportionate number of the Twitter posts composing the bill were apparently written by an unnamed 15 year old girl from a Southeastern United States High school regarding one "Mrs. Ebberly," a high school English teacher.  If the legislation would pass into law in its current form, the yet to identified Mrs. Ebberly would be required under Federal law to get a life, a man, nose job, haircut invented after the 1950's, and "stop being such a bitch."  The legislation would, evidently, also require some form of Congressional proclamation declaring the aforementioned Mrs. Eberly, "Has the hots for Missy.  That's why the little dyke gets all 'A's."

Congressional Republicans were quick to defend the bill and Congressman Boehner's strange behavior. "This bill is intended to be for the people, of the people, by the people," said one Congressman who wished to remain anonymous because he is currently under investigation for accepting over $7 million in gifts from several pharmaceutical companies.  "What better way to reflect the will of the people in healtcare legislation than allowing them to write it themselves? "

Others blamed the Democrats for the uproar.  "Why are you idiots deciding to read our bills now?"  Demanded one ranking Republican.  "Did you read the Patriots Acts?  NO!!!.  Did you even notice that they made anything we said illegal?  NO!!!  Did you read our Bankruptcy Reform legislation?  NO!!!  Did you even care that we made it nearly impossible to get out of credit card debt even if you declare bankruptcy or die?  NO!!!  And, what about the bank bailout?  That was us, too!  Sure helped our buddies out on that one.  Now, all of a sudden it's like you found Jesus or something and suddenly you care about what we are doing.

"If it was not for the Democrats, and that moron Pelosi, drawing attention to everything we do, this legislation probably would have passed without anyone noticing.  Now, we are going to have to try to have it added in at three in the morning the night before we vote on it."

In other news, BNSE has learned the identity of the 15 year old girl responsible for many of the Twitter posts comprising the bill.  According to her parents, Kristy McNaulty finds the fact that her hatred of her English teacher could be codified into law, "Pretty cool."

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