Capitol Hill Panic! Congress Cannot Find Buttocks! Both Hands and Funnels Prove Ineffective.

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Capitol Hill Panic! Congress Cannot Find Buttocks!

Use of Both Hands and Funnels Proves Ineffective.



There's One Now!

 

 

Washington, DC  (BNSE): Capitol Hill Police appealed for calm today as Congresspeople returning from their summer recess discovered they could not find their buttocks.  Representatives, Senators, and staffers were seen scurrying madly about the Hill and adjacent office buildings in a search for the missing buttocks.  Some Congresspeople were even reported taking their search to the Capitol Hill shower facilities, some attempting to use both hands and even funnels to find their lost buttocks to no avail.  Congressional historians claim this panic is the greatest since the mass testicle loss by both Houses of Congress following the Tienanmen Square massacre in 1989.


Senate Majority Leader, Henry Reid, said the business of Congress would continue as normal, whether or not the Members could find their buttocks, "We have not been able to find our buttocks before, and we will not be able to find them again in the future.  But, this will not stop this body from doing the business of government and passing the vital legislative initiatives the American people deserve.  I am fully confident the American people will not notice anything different from their Congress."


Despite Senator Reid's reassuring words, both Houses were in turmoil as Congressional Republicans refused to enter the Capitol, being convinced several holes found in the surrounding grounds of the Capital Complex, were, in fact, their buttocks.


Many Democrats also refused to enter the Chambers, choosing to stay outside and mock the frantically searching Republicans.  "I've been criticized for years for having my head up my buttocks," claimed Pennsylvania Congressman, John Murtha.  "Now, look who's laughing!  Not only do I know where my buttocks are, I act like them every chance I get."


White House Officials asserted the missing buttock epidemic has not spread to the White House or President Barack Obama.  "The President's buttocks are owned by a large group of powerful special interests who maintain constant surveillance over them.  If the President were to allow his buttocks to get out of line in any way, these groups would be sure to kick then back up around the President's ears for safe keeping." said the Official Spokesman.


In late breaking developments, BNSE can confirm that after an extensive investigation, House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi's, buttocks have been found by Capitol Hill Police.  Sexual harassment charges are pending.


California Senator Barbara Boxer's buttocks were found in the same search, as well.  However, according to her office staff, Senator Boxer "had no problem" with the alleged invasive tactics used by the Police.  However, in a prepared statement, the Senator said the episode "highlights the need for the Capitol Police to employ more young African-American men."


House Minority Leader, John Boehner, expressed confidence that he and his fellow Republicans would be able to find their buttocks on their own without the assistance of the Police.  However, he admitted he was "curious" about undergoing a possible search.


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