UK Releases All Paedophiles From Prison on Humanitarian Grounds!
"They Love Children and Animals."
UK Releases All Paedophiles From Prison on Humanitarian Grounds!
Move Will Open Prison Space for More Radio Hosts and Other "Real" Criminals.
London, UK (BNSE): In a decision alarming many parents and child welfare advocates, the United Kingdom Ministry of Justice announced the immediate release of all convicted pedophiles imprisoned in the UK, Scotland, and Wales. Pedophiles in Northern Ireland will continue their work in the Foster Parenting and Adolescents at Risk Ministries Liaison Offices.
A spokesman for the Ministry of Justice told BSNE, via satellite, "Many have already expressed their dismay at our decision. However, most of those are simply the parents and victims of these pedophiles. It is really unfair and unjust to give too much weight in our decision to those who are so obviously biased in their judgement. Our experts all agree that pedophiles pose almost no risk to the adult population, and their release will open valuable prison space for the real criminals running rough shod over our nation,
"I cannot tell you just how much these pedophiles love children. They draw pictures of them, send letters to them, offer to buy them clothes and take them on camping vacations. Our studies show that over 87% of these pedophiles daily lives is focused almost exclusively on thinking about children. Now, I ask you, 'Does anyone who loves random children that much pose a threat?' I think not.
"Significant numbers of these citizens also express a similar deep love for animals. Now, as you know, most animals live in nature. Currently, the single largest threat to animals is not pedophiles, but the destruction of their habitats by global warming created by so called 'law abiding citizens.' Pedophiles do not want to destroy these habitats. They want to hide in them and use them as cover so nobody can see them when they are spending time with the children and animals they love so much. Go to any demonstration protesting the destruction of old growth forest, or indigenous low laying ground cover near a school, and I will guarantee you that some of the most vocal protesters will be pedophiles, forced to hide their love for nature and our youth by a non-compassionate, uncaring legal system more concerned with rules and formulae and outdated concepts like sexual consent. Personally, I think we have a lot to learn from them."
Despite the Ministry's dubious claims of the benefits of releasing thousands of relatively unsupervised pedophiles into society, the spokesman admitted economics played a key role in the decision. The spokesman conceded, "Yes, the bottom line is we do not have enough prison space to accommodate all the serious crime in the country. Given the current economic climate, funding for the construction of new prisons is highly unlikely for the foreseeable future, and our efforts to place the entire population under arrest and forcing them to prove they have done nothing have been delayed in the lower courts. Here in the Ministry, we had decide who posed the greater threat; pedophiles, or citizens who say things we do not like, or refuse to follow all our arbitrary rules.
"For example, American radio talk show host, Michael Savage, has been banned from entering the United Kingdom since October. Despite our close relationship with the United States, Mr. Savage is not only not in prison, he is still on the air criticizing us and saying thousands of other things we do not like, nor want to hear! How can this happen in the 21st Century? The answer is because we are still operating under an outdated legal system that places more emphasis on people who hurt other people than people who threaten our enlightened political and financial leaders. Can anyone name one elected official removed from office because of the words of a pedophile, murderer, or international terrorist? Can you name one bank or government agency forced to change a policy based on the claims of a drug dealer?
"Trust me, if Michael Savage even attempts to enter the UK, he will receive the justice he deserves and be placed in a jail cell formerly occupied by a pedophile or international terrorist. Plus, we will have the needed prison space for all the other miscreants to are blocking modern progress. Deviants who refuse to recycle properly, use high energy light bulbs, object to warrant-less searches, insist on photographing instances of police brutality, express concern about low level government functionaries having complete access to their private records and information, and illegally drive their children to civic events, and do pretty much anything that makes us mad, or indicates an attitude that we are not only in charge, but far able to make all the decisions in your lives than you are, will have a place in our society; behind bars."
CORRECTION: BSNE earlier in this article published that released pedophiles in the UK would be unsupervised. BSNE has received late word from the Ministry of Justice that the pedophiles will be required to register their whereabouts weekly at any local elementary school in the UK.
BSNE is proud to produce an actual source! Sort of:
A spokesman for the Ministry of Justice told BSNE, via satellite, "Many have already expressed their dismay at our decision. However, most of those are simply the parents and victims of these pedophiles. It is really unfair and unjust to give too much weight in our decision to those who are so obviously biased in their judgement. Our experts all agree that pedophiles pose almost no risk to the adult population, and their release will open valuable prison space for the real criminals running rough shod over our nation,
"I cannot tell you just how much these pedophiles love children. They draw pictures of them, send letters to them, offer to buy them clothes and take them on camping vacations. Our studies show that over 87% of these pedophiles daily lives is focused almost exclusively on thinking about children. Now, I ask you, 'Does anyone who loves random children that much pose a threat?' I think not.
"Significant numbers of these citizens also express a similar deep love for animals. Now, as you know, most animals live in nature. Currently, the single largest threat to animals is not pedophiles, but the destruction of their habitats by global warming created by so called 'law abiding citizens.' Pedophiles do not want to destroy these habitats. They want to hide in them and use them as cover so nobody can see them when they are spending time with the children and animals they love so much. Go to any demonstration protesting the destruction of old growth forest, or indigenous low laying ground cover near a school, and I will guarantee you that some of the most vocal protesters will be pedophiles, forced to hide their love for nature and our youth by a non-compassionate, uncaring legal system more concerned with rules and formulae and outdated concepts like sexual consent. Personally, I think we have a lot to learn from them."
Despite the Ministry's dubious claims of the benefits of releasing thousands of relatively unsupervised pedophiles into society, the spokesman admitted economics played a key role in the decision. The spokesman conceded, "Yes, the bottom line is we do not have enough prison space to accommodate all the serious crime in the country. Given the current economic climate, funding for the construction of new prisons is highly unlikely for the foreseeable future, and our efforts to place the entire population under arrest and forcing them to prove they have done nothing have been delayed in the lower courts. Here in the Ministry, we had decide who posed the greater threat; pedophiles, or citizens who say things we do not like, or refuse to follow all our arbitrary rules.
"For example, American radio talk show host, Michael Savage, has been banned from entering the United Kingdom since October. Despite our close relationship with the United States, Mr. Savage is not only not in prison, he is still on the air criticizing us and saying thousands of other things we do not like, nor want to hear! How can this happen in the 21st Century? The answer is because we are still operating under an outdated legal system that places more emphasis on people who hurt other people than people who threaten our enlightened political and financial leaders. Can anyone name one elected official removed from office because of the words of a pedophile, murderer, or international terrorist? Can you name one bank or government agency forced to change a policy based on the claims of a drug dealer?
"Trust me, if Michael Savage even attempts to enter the UK, he will receive the justice he deserves and be placed in a jail cell formerly occupied by a pedophile or international terrorist. Plus, we will have the needed prison space for all the other miscreants to are blocking modern progress. Deviants who refuse to recycle properly, use high energy light bulbs, object to warrant-less searches, insist on photographing instances of police brutality, express concern about low level government functionaries having complete access to their private records and information, and illegally drive their children to civic events, and do pretty much anything that makes us mad, or indicates an attitude that we are not only in charge, but far able to make all the decisions in your lives than you are, will have a place in our society; behind bars."
CORRECTION: BSNE earlier in this article published that released pedophiles in the UK would be unsupervised. BSNE has received late word from the Ministry of Justice that the pedophiles will be required to register their whereabouts weekly at any local elementary school in the UK.
BSNE is proud to produce an actual source! Sort of:
Outrage over 4,256 rapists, paedophiles being allowed to go free in Britain
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