Chicago Schools Declare Gang Warfare Intramural Sport.
Chicago Schools Declare Gang Warfare Intramural Sport.
Chicago, IL (BNSE): Sharply denying accusations from critics that they are giving up on preventing crime in schools, Chicago Public School officials called their decision to make gang violence an intramural sport "a smart decision."
A high ranking Chicago Public School Officials told BNSE, "Initially, we were all shocked at video images of gang violence and personal assaults on students by other students in the Chicago area. However, if you examine the video closely, as we have, aside from the personal carnage, you will see that the surrounding students and by standing witnesses were having one heck of a lot of fun. Laughing, shouting, cheering, even a few screams... All we could say after watching those images was, 'Boy, wish we could have that much excitement and team spirit at a basketball game.'
"The simple facts are that team sports and structured school activities, in general, are losing their appeal among today's young activity seekers. There comes a point in time when educators know that it's time to change with the times and update our definitions of what fun is. And, in this case, our children are telling us that fun is randomized physical violence organized along racial and local geographic lines. For the Chicago schools to continue telling our students that shooting, stabbing, and beating each other with blunt objects over perceived slights, violations of drug dealing territorial borders, and disagreements over the collection of females for casual sex is wrong; then we seriously risk undermining their self esteem at a very critical point in their lives. This is simply unacceptable."
The transition to wanton violence in schools from more traditional sports will be easier than many expect, according to Bill Takalap, a noted physical education scholar, "Most schools already have the necessary equipment for this transition. Balls, ropes, hockey sticks, and most other phys. ed. equipment can be adapted to violence at little expense. And, considering that helmets, floor mats, protective pads and other safety equipment are considered by purists to be contradictory to the spirit of gang warfare, Chicago schools could even see a significant financial benefit through the transition. Most teachers would not even need additional training. 'Pick on the Little Kid' is already a time honored gym class tradition promoted by most physical education instructors. So, for most educators, an average class under the new system would be little more than a game of dodge ball with baseball bats."
Chicago Police have even joined the growing list of supporters for the new program by offering demonstrations of the widely popular, "Bust That Bitch's Head Open Like a Melon," crowd control, protest, and civil disobedience training program. This popular program, previously only offered only to police, has been a Chicago tradition for decades and has inspired hundreds of similar programs among law enforcement organizations across the nation.
Many parents expressed concerns over the effects of encouraging more violence in schools, however, a growing list of parents are supporting the change. One concerned parent told BNSE, "Yeah... Just look at them mother f***ers... There they are just living there and coming to the play ground whenever they want. F*** them. My boy's gonna put a whooping on their smart asses." This same concerned parent will be watching the new program closely, and if successful, plans to attempt to use the program to reinvigorate many defunct adult softball and bowling leagues.
In related news, requests from teachers for bullet proof vests and stun guns were rejected by School Administration Officials. A close insider to the decision called the request, "A racist overreaction."
A high ranking Chicago Public School Officials told BNSE, "Initially, we were all shocked at video images of gang violence and personal assaults on students by other students in the Chicago area. However, if you examine the video closely, as we have, aside from the personal carnage, you will see that the surrounding students and by standing witnesses were having one heck of a lot of fun. Laughing, shouting, cheering, even a few screams... All we could say after watching those images was, 'Boy, wish we could have that much excitement and team spirit at a basketball game.'
"The simple facts are that team sports and structured school activities, in general, are losing their appeal among today's young activity seekers. There comes a point in time when educators know that it's time to change with the times and update our definitions of what fun is. And, in this case, our children are telling us that fun is randomized physical violence organized along racial and local geographic lines. For the Chicago schools to continue telling our students that shooting, stabbing, and beating each other with blunt objects over perceived slights, violations of drug dealing territorial borders, and disagreements over the collection of females for casual sex is wrong; then we seriously risk undermining their self esteem at a very critical point in their lives. This is simply unacceptable."
The transition to wanton violence in schools from more traditional sports will be easier than many expect, according to Bill Takalap, a noted physical education scholar, "Most schools already have the necessary equipment for this transition. Balls, ropes, hockey sticks, and most other phys. ed. equipment can be adapted to violence at little expense. And, considering that helmets, floor mats, protective pads and other safety equipment are considered by purists to be contradictory to the spirit of gang warfare, Chicago schools could even see a significant financial benefit through the transition. Most teachers would not even need additional training. 'Pick on the Little Kid' is already a time honored gym class tradition promoted by most physical education instructors. So, for most educators, an average class under the new system would be little more than a game of dodge ball with baseball bats."
Chicago Police have even joined the growing list of supporters for the new program by offering demonstrations of the widely popular, "Bust That Bitch's Head Open Like a Melon," crowd control, protest, and civil disobedience training program. This popular program, previously only offered only to police, has been a Chicago tradition for decades and has inspired hundreds of similar programs among law enforcement organizations across the nation.
Many parents expressed concerns over the effects of encouraging more violence in schools, however, a growing list of parents are supporting the change. One concerned parent told BNSE, "Yeah... Just look at them mother f***ers... There they are just living there and coming to the play ground whenever they want. F*** them. My boy's gonna put a whooping on their smart asses." This same concerned parent will be watching the new program closely, and if successful, plans to attempt to use the program to reinvigorate many defunct adult softball and bowling leagues.
In related news, requests from teachers for bullet proof vests and stun guns were rejected by School Administration Officials. A close insider to the decision called the request, "A racist overreaction."
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